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uncertainty
Apr 4, 2026

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t dropped out of
my PhD. I remember the call I had with my father when I switched careers from
software engineering to physics. It was hurtful, but I needed to follow my
heart. I was only 18 years old, and I had been broken twice by the same person.
I don't blame him or hold any resentment. After all, he was only a kid when he
had me. He only meant the best for me.
One of the things I learned while in college was to destroy my ego. The teachers
literally did everything in their power to demoralize you and make you feel like
shit. They said academia was brutal, and we needed to know that.
Fast-forward five years, and I got into my PhD. I was sort of happy because I
thought I would learn new things. To my surprise, that wasn't the case. Those
more than four years were chaotic. I switched advisors a few times. The classes
were easy. It was a mess. I later learned that we all got in. I thought it was
because the committee believed in us, but in reality, it was because they needed
students to keep the program running. It wasn't the only faculty doing that.
So I left in protest of the corruption. I lost all hope in academia. I had
already known that peer review was a sham; however, apparently, it's the
best we have.
And then I needed to pay the bills. I had already created a POS, so I thought:
Well, I love computers, and at some point I was willing to study computer
science, so what the heck, let's go back.
So I did. It's been a journey. The hard part has been getting a job. I have
interviewed with, jeez, more than 400 companies in 16 years. Maybe even more. The
mornings were the hardest. You wake up and see rejection emails every single
morning.
But I was ready. My years in college prepared me for that. It still hurts a bit.
And now I'm on sabbatical, applying like crazy, and the emails are coming through.
This time is a bit different. The global economy is harsh. Companies are
mostly not offering relocation, and there are two wars at play.
I have no idea what will happen to me. Maybe I will return home to see Mom.
Maybe this is the end for me. I honestly have no idea. I'm not worried, though.
I think I've made peace with my existence and the end of it.
I have lived four decades on this planet, and everything
I truly loved is already gone.
Maybe it's my time.